A professional dancer may take offense to my title, but the word and the application of it, succinctly express my view of how people navigate and interact in our world. There are many ways to approach my view: from the way people walk, to the way they banter back and forth in a conversation. Some people prefer to “dance” alone, and others can only “dance” with another or in a group. So let’s talk about “dancing”.
Here is the general definition provided by Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dance
Definitions of what constitutes dance are dependent on social, cultural, aesthetic, artistic and moral constraints and range from functional movement to virtuoso techniques. Dance can be participatory, social or performed for an audience. It can also be ceremonial, competitive, or erotic. Dance movements may be without significance in themselves, or have a gestural vocabulary/symbolic system. Dance can embody or express ideas, emotions or tell a story.
I entered several posts on January 3. All are the words of others, but point to topics that recently came across my mental desk for review. I put them out there for the rest of you to investigate, digest, ignore, or whatever. In any case they are pertinent to “dancing through life” through my eyes. This forthcoming dance of words is going to take on the form of a story: my story.
The concept of “dancing and how it applies to my life, and maybe yours” has been rolling around in my head since I first overheard the term from someone who was defining an interchange between two people. The person said, “Oh, it’s just your dance.” It was a random comment, but one that stuck with me. I am not an overly social person, but I had never heard this concept defined using the term “dance”. From that point forward, I started to pay attention to my interaction with people in general and people as individuals.
One of the beauties of young children is that they do not have facades. The adage “what you see is what you get” really applies. This reminder came home to me a few weeks ago, and on several occasions since then, during our weekly video calls with granddaughter number one. She is at a very expressive age and stage, 14-18 months, and our video chats are great for seeing expressions and actions relating to our queries and comments. Since her understanding of vocabulary is vast and her speaking of words is increasing, we are constantly encouraging a performance of her latest accomplishment or new vocabulary word. So, a few months ago, in an effort to have her demonstrate that she knew where her feet were and who they belonged to, we said, where are your feet”? Her response was an action. She put a very disgusting frown on her face and turned her back to us. Laugh all you want. We did. But, how would we react to this same response at age 4, 15, or even 50?
I was sharing via email with my best and oldest friend, recently. While I would opt for regular and timeless opportunities to engage in sharing with my friend, I am always slipping in emails here and there. It is rare that I just sit down and write an organized, well thought out, message.
My friend’s reply to my latest email has stayed with me since:
Processing....and lots to process....
“As I do that I will report to you that your emails often mirror an observation of mine about you, that you are quite adept at storing up any number of topics and holding them in suspension until you are prepared to discuss them; at which time sometimes you let them dribble out, and every now and then you let them come gushing out all together! The prerogative of royalty.”
Here is my reply:
“Just returned from the dentist. A crown is in order, but I have been privy to that knowledge since Thanksgiving. I have started to read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. I found this book among a stack that belongs to my son. Perhaps it will provide solutions to this ailing soul that oozes and gushes. ;-) “
This is our dance. I love our dance because I always come away with a smile and a challenge.
In keeping with my friend’s observation, I am going to suspend my story for now. I will pick it up in the next blog. Comments are welcome. The more dances and dancers the better!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Relationship Dance Can Be With Anyone You Are Close To
The Relationship Dance - Are You Partly Responsible for Your Partner’s Behavior?
Your partner is so prickly with you! She is so ready to hear “control” in anything you ask her to do. Whatever you ask her to do, she does the opposite. Your partner reminds you of nothing so much as a rebellious adolescent.
How disagreeable of her! I sympathize. Have you ever considered, though, that she way she is with you might be partly because of how you are with her?
Let’s ask your partner about you. She says that you are overbearing, controlling, sometimes even threatening. She says that you act just like her father.
The rebellious adolescent and the parent: Whenever you see a couple stuck in interlocking roles like these, you can be virtually certain that, even though they may not know it, they are “dancing together” each influencing the behavior of the other.
How can you end the dance? You must stop blaming your partner for the way s/he is behaving long enough to self-focus and ask yourself the magic questions that can break the spell: “How is my behavior influencing his/hers? What is my part in this?”
When you see how your behavior influences your partner’s behavior, you can change yours. You can step away from the dance. Without your participation, the dance must end.
Making the Journey of Commitment
Dr. David Sanborn
Your partner is so prickly with you! She is so ready to hear “control” in anything you ask her to do. Whatever you ask her to do, she does the opposite. Your partner reminds you of nothing so much as a rebellious adolescent.
How disagreeable of her! I sympathize. Have you ever considered, though, that she way she is with you might be partly because of how you are with her?
Let’s ask your partner about you. She says that you are overbearing, controlling, sometimes even threatening. She says that you act just like her father.
The rebellious adolescent and the parent: Whenever you see a couple stuck in interlocking roles like these, you can be virtually certain that, even though they may not know it, they are “dancing together” each influencing the behavior of the other.
How can you end the dance? You must stop blaming your partner for the way s/he is behaving long enough to self-focus and ask yourself the magic questions that can break the spell: “How is my behavior influencing his/hers? What is my part in this?”
When you see how your behavior influences your partner’s behavior, you can change yours. You can step away from the dance. Without your participation, the dance must end.
Making the Journey of Commitment
Dr. David Sanborn
Parenting Adult Children
BOOK SUMMARY
Don't Bite Your Tongue is about parenting adult children. It counters the popular belief that parents must let go of their adult children and silence themselves. The book focuses on the continually lengthening period when both parents and their children are relatively healthy adults. Through the use of vignettes, it reduces the fire and increases the works in their relationships by encouraging dialogue between the two generations. Its self-reflection exercises, film lists, and bibliography can be used alone, in groups, or with adult children. This book provides a guide to navigate the ambiguities and ever-changing realities of the lives of parents and their adult children.
CHAPTER TITLES
Introduction: Get Comfortable with Ambiguity
Don't Let Go, Don't Bite Your Tongue
Know Yourself
Say Goodbye to Fantasy and Hello to Reality
Emerging Adulthood
Refilling the Nest
Relationships
Weddings
Grandparenting
Money
Eternal Triangles
Communications Tips
Conclusion
Yours to Write
How to Start a Support Group
Further Readings
Films and Videos
Literature for Book Clubs
Notes, Bibliography, Index
Ruth Nemzoff, Ed.D.
Author of:
Don't Bite Your Tongue:
How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children
Dr. Ruth Nemzoff has four adult children and is a popular speaker on the topic of parenting adult children and family dynamics. She is a resident scholar at Brandeis University's Women's Studies Research Center.
Don't Bite Your Tongue is about parenting adult children. It counters the popular belief that parents must let go of their adult children and silence themselves. The book focuses on the continually lengthening period when both parents and their children are relatively healthy adults. Through the use of vignettes, it reduces the fire and increases the works in their relationships by encouraging dialogue between the two generations. Its self-reflection exercises, film lists, and bibliography can be used alone, in groups, or with adult children. This book provides a guide to navigate the ambiguities and ever-changing realities of the lives of parents and their adult children.
CHAPTER TITLES
Introduction: Get Comfortable with Ambiguity
Don't Let Go, Don't Bite Your Tongue
Know Yourself
Say Goodbye to Fantasy and Hello to Reality
Emerging Adulthood
Refilling the Nest
Relationships
Weddings
Grandparenting
Money
Eternal Triangles
Communications Tips
Conclusion
Yours to Write
How to Start a Support Group
Further Readings
Films and Videos
Literature for Book Clubs
Notes, Bibliography, Index
Ruth Nemzoff, Ed.D.
Author of:
Don't Bite Your Tongue:
How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children
Dr. Ruth Nemzoff has four adult children and is a popular speaker on the topic of parenting adult children and family dynamics. She is a resident scholar at Brandeis University's Women's Studies Research Center.
Knowing that Time is Running Out is The Reality of Getting Older
Getting Old but Still Feeling Young
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Many older people feel years younger than they really are. (Chris Maynard for The New York Times)
Seventy is the new 57.
Older people feel, on average, about 13 years younger than they really are, according to a new study of aging from the University of Michigan and the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin.
Researchers surveyed 516 people between the ages of 70 and 104 who were taking part in the ongoing Berlin Aging Study in Germany, asking a series of aging-related questions, including how old they typically feel compared to the age on their birth certificate. Although individual responses varied, the average gap between chronological age and subjective age was 13 years. Among study participants who were particularly healthy and active, the gap between subjective age and actual age was even wider.
Researchers say the data are important because cultural expectations of people during their older years often are at odds with how seniors perceive themselves.
“We are somehow aged by the culture we live in,’’ said Jacqui Smith, a psychologist at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. “It’s about how we should look, when you should retire – sometimes those stereotypes are a little out of date.’’
As children, we typically feel slightly older than we really are, in part because children long to take part in activities reserved for older teens and adults. But around age 25 to 30, our views of aging fall out of sync with our chronological age, and we begin to think of ourselves as younger than we really are, Dr. Smith said. Other studies have shown that people between the ages of 40 and 70 feel about 20 percent younger than they really are.
But the latest research focused on people generally in the last three decades of life. The aim was to gauge whether the aches and pains of getting older force us to face reality, causing our subjective age to finally catch up with our chronological age. The study showed that even the very old typically feel far younger than they really are.
“This concept of how you feel about your age is so important and defines, in a way, how we act,” Dr. Smith said. “If you self-define yourself as someone who is old, then you probably act that way.’’
Although we typically think of ourselves as younger than we really are, the study found that most people are not in denial about the aging process. During the course of the six-year study, people were asked about their perceptions of age three times. The subjective age wasn’t frozen in time, and instead aged with the years. Although the gap typically remained the same, the difference between chronological age and perceived age did begin to narrow as people became less healthy and drew closer to death.
“It’s good for us to think we’re a little better than we actually are,’’ Dr. Smith said. “It’s associated with feelings of hope and well-being.’’
The findings are to be published in the Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Science.
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Many older people feel years younger than they really are. (Chris Maynard for The New York Times)
Seventy is the new 57.
Older people feel, on average, about 13 years younger than they really are, according to a new study of aging from the University of Michigan and the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin.
Researchers surveyed 516 people between the ages of 70 and 104 who were taking part in the ongoing Berlin Aging Study in Germany, asking a series of aging-related questions, including how old they typically feel compared to the age on their birth certificate. Although individual responses varied, the average gap between chronological age and subjective age was 13 years. Among study participants who were particularly healthy and active, the gap between subjective age and actual age was even wider.
Researchers say the data are important because cultural expectations of people during their older years often are at odds with how seniors perceive themselves.
“We are somehow aged by the culture we live in,’’ said Jacqui Smith, a psychologist at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. “It’s about how we should look, when you should retire – sometimes those stereotypes are a little out of date.’’
As children, we typically feel slightly older than we really are, in part because children long to take part in activities reserved for older teens and adults. But around age 25 to 30, our views of aging fall out of sync with our chronological age, and we begin to think of ourselves as younger than we really are, Dr. Smith said. Other studies have shown that people between the ages of 40 and 70 feel about 20 percent younger than they really are.
But the latest research focused on people generally in the last three decades of life. The aim was to gauge whether the aches and pains of getting older force us to face reality, causing our subjective age to finally catch up with our chronological age. The study showed that even the very old typically feel far younger than they really are.
“This concept of how you feel about your age is so important and defines, in a way, how we act,” Dr. Smith said. “If you self-define yourself as someone who is old, then you probably act that way.’’
Although we typically think of ourselves as younger than we really are, the study found that most people are not in denial about the aging process. During the course of the six-year study, people were asked about their perceptions of age three times. The subjective age wasn’t frozen in time, and instead aged with the years. Although the gap typically remained the same, the difference between chronological age and perceived age did begin to narrow as people became less healthy and drew closer to death.
“It’s good for us to think we’re a little better than we actually are,’’ Dr. Smith said. “It’s associated with feelings of hope and well-being.’’
The findings are to be published in the Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Science.
What is your Mission?
The Alchemist
By Paulo Coelho
“I’m the king of Salem,” the old man had said.
“Why would a king be talking with a shepherd?” the boy asked, awed and embarrassed.
“For several reasons. But let’s say that the most important is that you have succeeded in discovering your destiny.”
The boy didn’t know what a person’s “destiny” was.
“It’s what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny.”
None of what the old man was saying made much sense to the boy. But he wanted to know what the “mysterious force” was; the merchant’s daughter would be impressed when he told her about that!
“It’s a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth.”
“Even when all you want to do is travel? Or marry the daughter of a textile merchant?”
“Yes, or even search for treasure. The Soul of the World is nourished by people’s happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only real obligation. All things are one. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
pgs. 22-23. The Alchemist
By Paulo Coelho
“I’m the king of Salem,” the old man had said.
“Why would a king be talking with a shepherd?” the boy asked, awed and embarrassed.
“For several reasons. But let’s say that the most important is that you have succeeded in discovering your destiny.”
The boy didn’t know what a person’s “destiny” was.
“It’s what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny.”
None of what the old man was saying made much sense to the boy. But he wanted to know what the “mysterious force” was; the merchant’s daughter would be impressed when he told her about that!
“It’s a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth.”
“Even when all you want to do is travel? Or marry the daughter of a textile merchant?”
“Yes, or even search for treasure. The Soul of the World is nourished by people’s happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only real obligation. All things are one. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
pgs. 22-23. The Alchemist
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